From the people who brought you Sea Kittens!
Let me start off by saying I don’t hate animals. I like animals. But I’m not a pet owner. I’ve never owned a dog. Never owned a cat. I had a goldfish that ate his two bowl buddies and grew to the size of Koi fish, two birds that didn’t do dick, and a guinea pig that thought it was a cat. Now that I have that out of the way I can say this: I F’n hate PETA.
PETA, a once well meaning organization (for the first ten minutes of their inception) has in the past decade become the gold standard for douchebaggery. They’ve gone from just trying to make sure people don’t abuse their pets, to proclaiming that cats and dogs are the same as children. Basically, they’re screwballs. PETA are those people really love animals a little too much. In a way that it borderlines on macabre. And they want everyone to think and feel the same way they feel about animals. Let’s not forget their constant hippy ass tactics of trying to get the world to stop eating meat. (Cause apparently, plants aren’t living things)
In an effort to overthrow Gloria Allred as the rulers of Castle Douchebag, PETA has taken to fame fucking their way into the public eye. They get young celebrities to pose nude in anti fur ads. They’ve tried to make soy sexy so you don’t eat meat! Case in point. A few years ago, they made a big deal about getting people to stop eating fish by trying to legally change the name of fish to “sea kittens”. Cause who would want to eat a kitten? Ironically, the taste for Land Fish would way up outside of third world countries. Well, in an effort to make another BFD out of nothing, PETA is attacking Nintendo‘s most beloved stereotype:
Mario
As Nintendo is prepping for the release of Super Mario Land 3D, the company has been playing up the feature of Mario getting an ass ton of new suit up powers. With one beloved classic that is coming back that had fans jumping for joy.
Any gamer worth his salt, or who was six in 1990 knows that Mario‘s greatest power was his ability to fly by use of a magic leaf that gave him a set of Raccoon ears and a tail. But if you guessed right in the mushroom bonus levels, you got a whole F’n suit which not only kept Mario warm, but allowed him to fly and turn into a statue. It was possibly Nintendo’s greatest creation.
Well, it seems that PETA has taken offense to this twenty one year old Mario feature and has gone about condemning Nintendo and all of its fans, young and old. The idea of Mario wearing a magical suit shaped like a raccoon that gives the power of flight is, according to them, SENDING THE MESSAGE THAT FUR IS COOL TO WEAR!
They hammer this point home with a Mario flash game were a skinned raccoon chases a bloody skin wearing Mario flying through the air. Why? Because PETA is fucked up. These are clearly people who have many, many personality disorders and enjoy making life hell for normal folks. When a person cares for an animal more than another human being, that’s a sign of a black hole of emotional scarring that can’t be filled. So they come up with asinine concepts to pick on. Like saying Mario is evil for wearing a magic Raccoon suit. They’re technically bitching about people trapping and killing raccoons, natures meth head, but I seriously think that they know the locations of seven foot tall raccoons that can be gutted so that people like me can crawl inside, Tauntaun style, to gain the power to be warm and fly through the air! If so, I demand to know where so that I can get a hunting.
All this proves is that when a group of dumb people get together, they form a giant Voltron of stupidity. PETA is one such Voltron that I hope a Robeast of common sense will one day slay. Until then, I’m going to go play Mario 3 while enjoying some fried SeaKitten.
