RINGER Recap: "P.S. You're An Idiot"

“Sweetheart, I’m much more British than you are.”

Previously on Ringer: We finally find out who Sean is/was, what happened to him, and why Siobhan hates Bridget so much; Juliet went from being the Annoyer to being the Thief; Juliet’s mom was in on “The Scheme” the whole time; Tessa gets a beat-down and robbed; Siobget wants to come out to everyone that she’s Bridget; and Misha Collins cried… which made me cry, damn it. This week on Ringer [SPOILER ALERT]

Firstly, there’s rumors of Ringer‘s cancellation, but if ANY show should be cancelled it should be Hart of Dixie. I mean, does anyone really watch that show? I like Rachel Bilson as much as the next person, but COME ON! That show is HORRID. Oh, and look who’s been stealing clothes out of their big sister’s closet again…

Busted, Dawn/Georgina!

Siobget and Andrew the Brit settle down for movie night at the penthouse with the Oscar winning Summer Camp Slasher, which happens to be Siobget’s fav movie. Andrew is trying to recreate one of her most romantic memories – Siobhan sneaking into a theater with some boy in 7th grade and him giving her a candy ring pop. ~Awww~ Then he proposes to her, again, with the ring pop. Siobget’s all happy and smiley and kissy face.

Siobhan, still in Paris, is at the Ob/Gyn and finds out that [REVELATION] she’s having twins! And, because of the age of the fetuses [REVELATION] they might be Andrew’s, not Henry’s. What’s an adulterer to do?

Siobget and Andrew ask Juliet the Thief to be their maid of honor in their unnecessary renewing their vows ceremony. Juliet agrees but the conversation is cut short by a phone call from Mr. C. Apparently the cops are after him for the beating and robbing of Tessa and he thinks Juliet tipped the cops off. He tells Juliet if he finds out she’s the one sicking the cops on him “She will be sorry.”

Malcolm the Sexy is at Henry’s house working on his laptop. As soon as Henry leaves the room he furiously starts looking for the key with the boat-shaped key ring that Siobget is now missing and Malcolm saw in Henry’s possession. He doesn’t find it, but instead he finds a bill from a moving company that said they were to pack up all of the contents of the office in Harlem and put it in Public Storage. Malcolm takes the bill and immediately calls Siobget who’s trying on wedding dresses. As Siobget hangs up the phone and comes out of the dressing room the stylist is going on about how the dress she has on now is exactly like the dress from the first wedding and how she can have the same flowers and the same hair style. Siobget gets all weirded out and tells her that she doesn’t want everything to be the same as the first time because she’s a different girl than the one that married Andrew. You can say that again.

Olivia, the other Brit, receives a text from someone named Xerxes that says there is a mole at Martin/Charles. She enters her office to see Malcolm the Sexy on her laptop. He says he’s installing something or maintenance or something, but Olivia doesn’t believe him. But Malcolm’s smart and erased his history so she didn’t know what he was really looking at.

Siobget tries to confront Henry about the cleaning out of the office. Henry tells her it was his office and he was just letting her use it. Since they were no longer together why should he keep paying the rent? She tries to bluff him on the missing key and he says that the key ring he has is his and if she lost her key ring it wasn’t his problem. He tells her all of her stuff is in storage but getting it back to her is not high on his priority list and slams the door in her face. 10 points for Henry!

Juliet whines to her mom, Catherine, that she’s afraid Mr. C is going to beat her like she thinks he beat Tessa. Mummy tells her she will go and have a talking to with him. She goes over to Mr. C’s place, screams at him a bit, then starts [REVELATION] making out with him!

Malcolm’s at Siobget’s place when she returns from playing Bridal Barbie and he starts begging her not to marry Andrew because he’s a crook. Apparently the real reason Malcolm took the job at Martin/Charles is because someone told him that there was shady shit going on there. He also wonders why Henry took out all of his money in such a hurry. He tells her he saw something on Olivia’s computer but doesn’t really have enough proof yet. Siobget gets all indignant and says Andrew’s not a crook, Malcolm doesn’t have any proof and how could he do this after everything that Andrew has done for him. Malcolm’s all, “Um, he gave me a job that I was overqualified for. What exactly has he done for me? I’m not a charity case, I’m only here because of you.”

Henry’s talking to Siobhan in Paris on the phone and gloating about how he double-talked Bridget. Henry asks about the doctor’s appointment and Siobhan tells him it’s twins. Henry’s all, “WTF another set of twins? I have Super Sperm!” Nah, he’s happy. Siobhan’s not all that happy because, you know, they are probably Andrew’s twins.

Siobget later asks Andrew how they got Gemma’s dad’s account in the firm. Andrew tells her that Olivia worked her magic and got the account some kind of way. Bridget now suspects that if something shady is going on, Olivia is the one behind it.

Claudine, the assistant, is trying to get it in with Malcolm so when he asks her to let him into Olivia’s office after hours she does. He copies a bunch of files and just as he’s about to leave in walks Olivia and security. Malcolm’s fired instantly and forced to leave the premises. They frisked him but Malcolm is clever and put the flash drive in his shoe. He basically recovered an algorithm that hides data and puts in phony data so it looks like the firm is making money. Siobget finally agrees that something fishy is going on and apologizes to Malcolm. She thinks he’s right but it has to be Olivia not Andrew behind it. Malcolm agrees because Olivia’s computer was the only one that had this algorithm, not Andrew’s.

Back in Paris, Henry and Siobhan are texting. He tells her Andrew and Siobget are “renewing” their vows. Siobhan doesn’t seem to like this news very much. *Flashback to 6 years ago* Siobhan and Andrew are all snuggly in their post wedding glow. He starts talking about great grandchildren and Siobhan tells him, again, that she doesn’t want children. He asks if it’s because of the photo of her and Sean that she has. She says she doesn’t want to talk about it. He says he thought things would change after the wedding. He won’t lose another marriage to secrecy and deception. *Back to the present* Siobhan calls Henry and tells him to bring Bridget “The Box.”

Siobget walks into Martin/Charles and after telling Claudine to go to lunch, goes into her computer and prints out her schedule (maybe they need to fire Claudine. Gossiping, not doing her job, letting people into places they aren’t supposed to be). As she’s leaving, Olivia sees her and congratulates her on the 2nd wedding. She goes on to say she’s sorry about what happened with Malcolm but, “I guess that’s what happens when you hire drug addicts.” Siobget flinches. Olivia notices that Siobget is holding her schedule and Siobget says she’s just using it to get everyone’s availability for the wedding and leaves.

Later, at the penthouse, Juliet is talking to her father.
Juliet: Daddy, am I a bad person?
Me: YES, GODDAMN IT, YOU ARE!
She’s upset because everyone has gone through hell and it’s all because of her. Daddy reassures her that none of this is her fault. She asks what he’s doing and he says he’s selling the loft because he can’t afford it and the wedding and the settlement to Mr. C. Now this bitch starts to feel guilty. AND SHE SHOULD. I didn’t get to write this when it happened because I missed recapping these episodes but here it goes: I TOLD YOU SHE WAS A LYING WHORE AND I KNEW MR. C DIDN’T RAPE HER AND I CAN’T BELIEVE SHE’S STEALING MONEY FROM HER FATHER WHEN HE’S BEEN SO GOOD TO HER. I HATE JULIET AND I WANT HER OFF OF THIS SHOW! *deep breath* Glad I got that off of my chest. Let’s continue, shall we?

Juliet then texts her mom. Mommy runs over to Mr. C’s place and shows him the text that says, “I’m going to tell Daddy.” She’s all in a tizzy. Mr. C, who’s probably the smartest of the bunch, starts packing and says he’s skipping town with his 3.3 million. He tells Catherine to pack and meet him in an hour. Catherine says she wants to say goodbye to Juliet first, but Mr. C says “No way, we’re leaving tonight.”

Andrew schedules an emergency wedding planning party for Siobget, but she was supposed to meet up with Malcolm to do more scoobying at Martin/Charles. Malcolm sees Olivia leave and follows her to Wesson Accounting Partners. Siobget tries to excuse herself from the wedding planning but Andrew follows her worrying that she’s not into it. Siobget says that everything is going too fast. She’s having doubts about herself, blah, blah. Andrew gets upset because she’s still trying to find herself after 6 years in the relationship. Ultimately he asks everyone to leave.

Henry shows up with “The Box.” In it is a file on 227 Pratt Street, the abandoned building Siobget checked out previously. Malcolm calls and tells her that Olivia is at Wesson Accounting. Siobget tells him that the Pratt Street address was previously Wesson Accounting. Malcolm says that sometimes companies use outside accounting firms but for some reason this looks shady. Olivia comes out of the building and leaves. Malcolm walks into the building.

Mr. C and Catherine stop off at a motel after taking all of their money out of the bank. Mr. C goes to take a shower and when he comes out the celebration with Tessa, Juliet and himself is playing on the television. He looks inside of the money suitcase and there’s nothing there except a note that says, “If you go near my daughter again the video will be released. P.S. You’re an idiot.” His face is all…

Malcolm and Siobget try to piece together why Martin/Charles would use a small accounting firm and why they moved out of the Pratt Street location so fast. They conclude that Siobhan was on to them and they knew it. Malcolm thinks the only reason to use that firm would be to clean the books and that it looks like a ponzi scheme.

Juliet’s mom shows up at the penthouse. Juliet said that she did what mommy said and didn’t tell daddy that she’s a selfish, money-stealing whore. Mom insinuates to Juliet that Mr. C is out of their lives and he’s going to get what he deserves for hurting Tessa. Juliette says “What about Daddy’s money?” Mom says that the trust fund is still there and he can dip into that if need be. Juliet gets the settlement and the trust fund when she’s 25. Everyone wins! Everything will be ok as long as she keeps their secret.

Olivia receives another text from Xerxes that Malcolm wasn’t the mole. The mole is in Paris. Olivia looks distraught.

Siobget tells Andrew that she wants to marry him but she wants it to be like it’s the first time. She doesn’t want to rush it. Then she says, “There’s something else I need to talk to you about.”

Next we see Catherine hand a wad of cash to someone and say, “I told you to rough the girl up, not beat her to a pulp.” Not a big shocker there that she’s the one responsible for Tessa’s beating and robbery.

Siobget’s “something else” is all the shit Malcolm and Siobget just figured out about Olivia. She tells him that whatever happens she’ll stand by him and they’ll get through it together. Andrew says, “Siobhan the ponzi scheme wasn’t Olivia’s idea [REVELATION] it was mine.” Oh snap! I didn’t see that coming! Siobget and my faces are all…